Tonight was a rough one. Ryan forgot to brush his teeth this morning and when he realized he had forgotten, it was just the last straw. He started saying that he was a bad boy who always made mistakes and just needed to have the policemen come to take him away. At first I tried to tell him how much it hurt my feelings for him to say these things to me, but then I realized that wasn't helping. He was hurting and in his state of mind he couldn't comprehend that his words were hurting me too. I decided that the best thing would be to try to focus on all the good things he does, do I grabbed a posterboard and gathered the kids around and we all started listing all the good things about Ryan. This starting to calm him down a little, but he was still determined that he was a bad boy and did not deserve any praise. So I did the only thing a mother can do, I held him and comforted him as best I could until he managed to calm down to the point where he could start telling me specific things that were bothering him.
Ryan has no confidence in himself, and this is something that has been building for a while now. He has difficulty making even the smallest decisions, he feels the need to ask permission to do even the most basic task, and even when he makes a choice he worries that it as the right one. I am still at a loss as to how this happened and how to fix it. That being said, I believe we may have taken a step in the right direction tonight. After we talked and Ryan calmed down I grabbed some index cards and a marker and wrote out some quick instructions for him for the mornings. This list will hopefully give him confidence in his morning routine, and will help him know that he is doing a good job. I also wrote out a quick affirmation for him to read every morning and taped it to the bathroom mirror. On three separate cards I wrote, "Everyone Makes Mistakes", "Mistakes are Okay", and "You are a Good Boy!" I told him that I wanted him to read these cards every morning. Reading these tonight with him already seemed to have a positive impact on his attitude. Hopefully over time he will remember these things in his heart and will not worry so much about making mistakes or not being a good boy.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
No apologizing allowed
My boys are playing baseball this year and having a great time! They are not the best players on the team, but everyone has been incredibly supportive of them and I am so thankful for that. Watching them play, being regular little boys, and interacting with their teammates, has really gotten me thinking about this blog and what I would say to other parents with children struggling to be "normal", and this is it:
Do not hide from the world. Even if the world doesn't understand, who cares? When my boys do something a little odd and an adult looks at me with a questioning gaze, I just smile. I never, ever apologize for my boys. This is not to say that they should not learn to live in the world, but I believe the world should also try to meet them halfway.
My boys are incredibly special. They learned to read at almost the same time they learned to talk. They excel at school and can grasp concepts that are difficult for many much older than them. They are very sensitive to others' emotions and at times seem almost empathic. They were self-reliant in many ways well before their peers. However, they were and are well behind their peers in many other ways and it is this gap between the excellence and the delay that is the telltale sign.
Someone told me long ago to think of my children as being two years younger than they are and this has really helped me. When we are in a social situation where the other children are acting a certain way, but my boys are acting differently, I just think about how a 5-year-old would act rather than a 7-year-old and realize that they are fine and not to worry about them so much.
Every day I look at my boys and am in awe of how far we have come and I know that the day will come when they will be completely self-reliant and independent. But for now, I am cherishing every moment with my beautiful, perfect children and loving them just the way they are.
Do not hide from the world. Even if the world doesn't understand, who cares? When my boys do something a little odd and an adult looks at me with a questioning gaze, I just smile. I never, ever apologize for my boys. This is not to say that they should not learn to live in the world, but I believe the world should also try to meet them halfway.
My boys are incredibly special. They learned to read at almost the same time they learned to talk. They excel at school and can grasp concepts that are difficult for many much older than them. They are very sensitive to others' emotions and at times seem almost empathic. They were self-reliant in many ways well before their peers. However, they were and are well behind their peers in many other ways and it is this gap between the excellence and the delay that is the telltale sign.
Someone told me long ago to think of my children as being two years younger than they are and this has really helped me. When we are in a social situation where the other children are acting a certain way, but my boys are acting differently, I just think about how a 5-year-old would act rather than a 7-year-old and realize that they are fine and not to worry about them so much.
Every day I look at my boys and am in awe of how far we have come and I know that the day will come when they will be completely self-reliant and independent. But for now, I am cherishing every moment with my beautiful, perfect children and loving them just the way they are.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Step Three: Accountability
We all need it. Accountability is what keeps us moving forward and not stagnating in one place. For many having children is enough. After having children you are accountable to them for teaching them and providing them the appropriate life experiences. For others, perhaps a little more external influence is needed. Because of our circumstances, in the early years occasionally my husband and I would decide that it's just too much trouble to go to church on Sunday morning, or to a birthday party on Saturday afternoon, or to the school social on Monday night. We may have been justified in that decision, but we were also depriving our children of much needed life experiences. So, our solution to this was to start volunteering for things. My husband is the Sunday School Director at church, and I, until this year, was a Sunday School teacher. By volunteering for these positions we gained accountability. We no longer had the option of staying home when we just didn't feel like going. We were required to be there and no matter what, we were going! This is not necessarily the solution for everyone, but my main point is that your children need the exposure to the outside world, and even though it is difficult at times, you need to get them out in it. If you are like us and require a little extra help in motivating you to get out there, then be a volunteer and gain that external accountability.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Life happens
I blinked my eyes and realized it has been over a month since my last post. Where does the time go? It seems like yesterday that my children were tiny boys and now I find myself buying them clothes that seem way too big but always fit when we try them on. The jeans I bought them last fall are already starting to look short in the inseam and the shirts are all starting to take on the 3/4 sleeve look. They spent several days a couple of weeks ago at their grandmother's house with their cousins and had so much fun. I was a little lonely without my children at home, but it reminded me that they really are just like other kids. Colin loves to tell jokes and make me laugh, and Ryan is the Luigi to my Mario. We buy season tickets to Six Flags every year and the opening day is this coming Saturday. I admit, I am the roller coaster junkie in the family, but I think I have passed this on to my children. They love to go so much and have already started asking me when we are going (shh... it's a secret, but we are going on Sunday!). I will try to update this blog more often with what is going on with us and what is working well (and what hasn't worked at all). Until then... gone, but not forgotten.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Poop Chart
Warning: Those of you who read this just because you are friends with me but do not have kids may want to skip this one. I am going to be talking about poop. Seriously.
My children have suffered from constipation most of their lives. At one point we even had to have one child disimpacted. This was a horrible experience for all parties involved and I swore that we would never go through that again. We began (with the doctor's blessing) to give daily doses of different combinations of mineral oil, Miralax, Colace, and Benefiber to try to get their bowels regularized. This was somewhat effective, but did not completely "cure" the problem. We were only treating the symptoms.
I began researching on the web to see if I could find any hints on what may be going on with them. I found this website: http://www.ccdhc.org/ where I found a wealth of information. Basically, what I figured was that it was a combination of things. The start of this problem was around potty training time. For any child this is a very confusing time, and children with autism are no different, so they may have begun "withholding" and once begun, did not know how to stop. It is a compounding problem, in that holding the stool will make the bowel movements difficult and possibly painful, and the pain will make them want to hold it in even more. We needed relief!
Before proceeding with this idea that it was psychological and not a physical problem I wanted to make sure first of all that there was nothing medically wrong with my children. So, I scheduled an appointment with a pediatric gastroenterologist who ordered special x-rays of his colon to make sure the flow was not obstructed. Thankfully everything was normal there.
We started with a calendar on the wall of the bathroom where they could place a sticker every time they had a bowel movement as a little reward. This was only somewhat effective. It was very effective in keeping us informed on how long it had been since they last used the bathroom, but not so effective in making them want to go. We needed a new plan that preferably did not involve me begging them to go and threatening them with punishment if they did not. I took our calendar and added a new phrase to the top: "Get 15 stickers this month and earn a surprise!". That did it!!! The first month we used the new poop chart only two of the three children earned the surprise, but I went ahead and gave it to them all anyway as an incentive for next month. The next month they all earned the surprise and were very conscientious about placing their stickers.
This is still a work in progress in my household, and I would love to gradually move the number up until it reaches 30, but every-other-day is a wonderful improvement for now. Using this poop chart, we have been able to completely discontinue all constipation medications, which is such a relief to me! I have been so happy with their progress, and hope that this helps you if your child is suffering from the same problems.
My children have suffered from constipation most of their lives. At one point we even had to have one child disimpacted. This was a horrible experience for all parties involved and I swore that we would never go through that again. We began (with the doctor's blessing) to give daily doses of different combinations of mineral oil, Miralax, Colace, and Benefiber to try to get their bowels regularized. This was somewhat effective, but did not completely "cure" the problem. We were only treating the symptoms.
I began researching on the web to see if I could find any hints on what may be going on with them. I found this website: http://www.ccdhc.org/ where I found a wealth of information. Basically, what I figured was that it was a combination of things. The start of this problem was around potty training time. For any child this is a very confusing time, and children with autism are no different, so they may have begun "withholding" and once begun, did not know how to stop. It is a compounding problem, in that holding the stool will make the bowel movements difficult and possibly painful, and the pain will make them want to hold it in even more. We needed relief!
Before proceeding with this idea that it was psychological and not a physical problem I wanted to make sure first of all that there was nothing medically wrong with my children. So, I scheduled an appointment with a pediatric gastroenterologist who ordered special x-rays of his colon to make sure the flow was not obstructed. Thankfully everything was normal there.
We started with a calendar on the wall of the bathroom where they could place a sticker every time they had a bowel movement as a little reward. This was only somewhat effective. It was very effective in keeping us informed on how long it had been since they last used the bathroom, but not so effective in making them want to go. We needed a new plan that preferably did not involve me begging them to go and threatening them with punishment if they did not. I took our calendar and added a new phrase to the top: "Get 15 stickers this month and earn a surprise!". That did it!!! The first month we used the new poop chart only two of the three children earned the surprise, but I went ahead and gave it to them all anyway as an incentive for next month. The next month they all earned the surprise and were very conscientious about placing their stickers.
This is still a work in progress in my household, and I would love to gradually move the number up until it reaches 30, but every-other-day is a wonderful improvement for now. Using this poop chart, we have been able to completely discontinue all constipation medications, which is such a relief to me! I have been so happy with their progress, and hope that this helps you if your child is suffering from the same problems.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Step Three: Shake Things Up!
After you have opened the lines of communication with your child, and you have gotten him into a good manageable routine, it is time to start shaking it up! He needs to learn that life will not always be exactly the same, and that change can be a good thing.
I remember early on, when we finally got the boys down into a working routine they were comfortable with, my husband and I would live in fear of the moment when something different would occur. Fire drills at school, early release days, anything out of the ordinary were upsetting for them, and we needed to learn a way to help them cope with those situations. At school they would start talking to the boys about fire drills and any other oddities days in advance. We learned from this and also began prepping the boys at home for anything outside of our routine. As we did this we also started to change the routines up occasionally on purpose. We would intentionally have them brush their teeth before putting on their pajamas, just for the sake of change. The boys resisted at first, but soon learned that it was okay if they did things differently. In fact, we gained a new motto from this: "Today is different, and different is okay."
Now, pretty much every day is different for us. We do still live on a basic routine, but the routine is not set in stone. The boys are able to understand that the little differences are not that big a deal, and have even come to enjoy surprise treats such as a trip to the movies on a whim, something I would have never attempted just a few short years ago.
I remember early on, when we finally got the boys down into a working routine they were comfortable with, my husband and I would live in fear of the moment when something different would occur. Fire drills at school, early release days, anything out of the ordinary were upsetting for them, and we needed to learn a way to help them cope with those situations. At school they would start talking to the boys about fire drills and any other oddities days in advance. We learned from this and also began prepping the boys at home for anything outside of our routine. As we did this we also started to change the routines up occasionally on purpose. We would intentionally have them brush their teeth before putting on their pajamas, just for the sake of change. The boys resisted at first, but soon learned that it was okay if they did things differently. In fact, we gained a new motto from this: "Today is different, and different is okay."
Now, pretty much every day is different for us. We do still live on a basic routine, but the routine is not set in stone. The boys are able to understand that the little differences are not that big a deal, and have even come to enjoy surprise treats such as a trip to the movies on a whim, something I would have never attempted just a few short years ago.
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