Meltdowns... seriously?

It is hard to explain to someone who has not experienced a child in full meltdown mode what it is like. Some may think this is just a tantrum and should be treated as such. These are no tantrums. A child in meltdown mode is a hurting child. He feels that something is not right but does not know how to fix it. Perfectionism goes hand-in-hand with autism, and when there is something "wrong", real or not, this is an incredibly upsetting thing for the perfectionist. It is a kneejerk reaction for us to assume that a child who is acting up in a store must be spoiled, or have bad parents, but this may be very far from true. It can be difficult for us neurotypicals to understand why someone can't just ignore a little mistake such as a drop of juice on your shirt, or a crayon mark very slightly outside the line, but for a child with autism, that little mistake is horrifying.

Before we learned coping mechanisms to deal with this, my boys would become extremely aggitated at the slightest little error and these episodes would often spiral down into a full on meltdown lasting a minimum of an hour. As they grew older we worked on teaching them that it was okay to make a mistake. In fact, "it's okay" became our calming phrase. As they were learning to deal with this, we were also learning. The most important thing we learned was to remain calm at all times. Our children (all children) look to us for our reactions and how we respond will directly affect how they deal with the situation. If we became upset when a glass of milk was tipped over at supper, a two hour ordeal could ensue; whereas if we simply said, "oh no, but that's okay" and cleaned it up calmly, then they could also deal with the problem simply and not be bothered by it. Often I am told that I have incredible patience, but honestly, this is not necessarily something I was born with, but something that has been taught to me by my children.

Full Meltdown Mode - Now What?

It is inevitable - meltdowns will occur. We have learned several little tricks to help smooth the waters a little and make the meltdowns less frequent and more manageable.

Time out... for you!
You will only be helpful to your family if your mental wellbeing is well intact. So, if you feel yourself becoming frustrated take a time out from the situation. Remove yourself, take a small break, and then return when you have collected your wits.

Safe Zones
Your child needs a safe zone where he can pitch his fit and not hurt himself. My twins' bedroom was their place. For years it only had a bed (mattress on the floor) and a few other minor pieces of furniture. It was a very sparce place, and looking at it you would almost think that we couldn't afford furniture for them. (Not that this wasn't necessarily true. I was a stay-at-home mom for six years, afterall).

Tag Team
Work together with your partner and not against. I have found that often when my children are not responding to me, my husband can step in and they will start to calm themselves, and the opposite is also true. I believe that sometimes they are upset but honestly have no idea why (or at least have forgotten why after a few minutes of the meltdown), and changing things up will give them just enough of a break to allow them to start to relax.

Rewards (or the Lack of Rewards)
As a general rule I don't like the idea of rewarding a child for something that he should be doing anyway. However, special circumstances require special techniques. We have used rewards, or the lack of rewards to help our children calm themselves. For example, the threat of no ice cream money can sometimes help when all else has failed. This usually is only helpful when the child still has a rational thought.

Trust Yourself
The most important thing I can tell you is to trust your instincts. No one can give you an instruction manual on how to deal with a child in full meltdown mode, but you will know what to do if you believe in yourself and your child. Often I find what works completely by accident. I will start talking and by the grace of God the right words will flow out. Believe in yourself, trust your instincts, listen to your child, and remember, this too shall pass.

More on Communication: Index Cards

As the boys learned to read they became fascinated by written words. Everywhere we went they wanted to read the words on signs. I made this work to our advantage. I started carrying index cards and a marker around with me at all times. If I needed the boys to focus on something I would write the word down on the card and hand it to them. For example, at church their classroom was upstairs in the preschool wing and to get to the outside door we had to walk all the way down a very beautifully decorated, very distracting hall. It would often take us 15-20 minutes just to make our way out of the building. This was only serving to get me, my husband, and our daughter very frustrated. One day we decided to try the cards approach here - I wrote in big letters "CAR" on two cards and handed each boy one while telling them that it was time to go to the car. It worked! They walked down the hall while looking at their cards and we made it all the way out in less than five minutes!!! I did have to remind them a couple of times when they would start to get distracted, but as soon as I would remind them they would look back at their cards and keep on moving.

This, of course, was a continuation of the picture exchange method. Without the groundwork laid by the pictures, the cards would not have worked at all. The main point is to find what interests your kids the most and use it to your advantage. With my boys, written words worked wonders. With your children pictures or sign language may work better. The most important thing is to know your kids and be willing to think outside the box to find what works.

Communication: Preventing Meltdowns

Before we learned to communicate with each other meltdowns were an almost daily occurance. Our boys could not tell us what was bothering them. They just didn't know HOW. They only knew that throwing, hitting, kicking, - anything was doing something different, and I believe doing those things made them feel, if not better exactly, then at least like they were doing something. At times it almost felt like we were living in two separate worlds, side by side, but never touching.

We needed a way to bridge the gap between us. This came to us through much hard work and perserverance, but most importantly through lots of help. We never walked this path alone. Anyone who taught or cared for our children needed to be on the same page with their care or else ground would be lost. The single most important thing that we did was get them into the special needs program. There they were taught by teachers who had the experience and knowledge to teach the boys and us how to communicate with each other. We would never have been able to do this on our own.

Meltdowns will still occur, but once the children are able to communicate what the problem is, the meltdowns are much less frequent. We learned many other tools to help soothe and calm our boys, but I believe the communication was the most important part. Stay tuned for more details...