Living in the NOW

One of the concepts that we really work on with the boys is the idea that right now is the only thing you can do anything about. Don't worry about the past, you can't change it (even five minutes ago), and don't worry about the future because it's not here yet. Right now is where you are and when you need to be living. Of course, the decisions you make today will affect your tomorrow, but as long as you are doing your best and making the best decisions you can with what you have now, tomorrow will be just fine.

Questions, questions, constant questions...

I am currently sitting beside my youngest child, willing him to work faster on his homework. It's like watching grass grow, or paint dry. I can only will him to go faster because actually trying to hurry him along has the opposite effect and just makes the whole process slower. I would say that he has too much homework, but his brother has the same amount and he gets it all done with time left over to play. The plus side is that all his work is usually spot on and beautifully done. 


In addition to the incredibly slow pace he adopts when doing work, he has also taken to questioning every action, no matter how small. He doesn't seem to be able to make any decisions on his own, even when he has done the same thing many times before. Since nothing we were doing to help him at home seemed to be working, he has started seeing a psychologist. I am trying my best to be patient with him, and know that this will be a process. He didn't start with this behavior overnight. In fact, it has been coming on for a couple of years now, so I know that it may not change significantly for a while. In the meantime, I'm praying for patience and guidance on how best to help him overcome this new hurdle. 

I love you because...I love you just because

Last night after looking over a take home test that Ryan had just completed I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. He responded, "you love me because I got all the answers right?". I said, "no, I would love you even if you got them all wrong. I love you no matter what you do". This made me think... how many times to do we only say the words when they have done something sweet, or something wrong (while we are punishing them). They need to hear it "just because". My boys are analytical thinkers. They dissect and mull over every little statement. They aren't great at reading emotions and body language from others, so instead they attempt to interpret the words and actions of others to give them clues to the ultimate meanings and feelings. For the rest of us, this may sound foreign and tedious, but for them, it is the only way they know how to deal with a world that makes no sense.

Random Bedtime Ramblings, by Colin

Colin makes some of the most interesting, and often hilarious, observations at bedtime. The other night Russ commented that I should be writing these down. Yes, I should.

(door opens)

C: Mom, do mice kill people?

J: No honey.

C: Tunnel web spiders do. They live in Australia. I hate Australia because tunnel web spiders scare me.

J: Well, you can just stay here then. How about going back to bed?

C: Okay. Goodnight.

(door closes)

(door opens)

C: Mom, what kind of sport did we play at the Rec Department in the winter of 2009?

J: You didn't play a sport then. In the spring you played Tball and tennis.

C: Can I play tennis in the spring of 2011?

J: Sure. Go back to bed. I love you.

C: I love you too.

(door closes)

(door opens)

C: Mom, I don't like smiley faces that are cut in half.

J: Me neither. (?)

(door closes)

(door opens)

C: Mom, how did God make your boobies?

J: Umm.. (thoughts of a conversation about mother's milk goes through my mind)... I don't know.

(door closes)

(door opens)

C: Mom, how did they make my eyeballs?

R: (Russ interjects) In a special eyeball factory.

C: Dad!

R: God made them.

C: But how did God make my eyeballs?

J: I don't know honey.

(door closes)

(door opens)

C: When I am a grown up and after I am married and when she has a baby in her tummy, how does it get there?

J: It's kind of hard to explain.

C: Did God put the baby in her tummy?

J: Yes.

C: How does it come out?

J: You have lots of time to figure this one out. You will not need to worry about it for many years.

C: What doctor will I go see?

J: An obstetrician.

C: An obstetrician? Okay.

(door closes)

Confidence

Tonight was a rough one. Ryan forgot to brush his teeth this morning and when he realized he had forgotten, it was just the last straw. He started saying that he was a bad boy who always made mistakes and just needed to have the policemen come to take him away. At first I tried to tell him how much it hurt my feelings for him to say these things to me, but then I realized that wasn't helping. He was hurting and in his state of mind he couldn't comprehend that his words were hurting me too. I decided that the best thing would be to try to focus on all the good things he does, do I grabbed a posterboard and gathered the kids around and we all started listing all the good things about Ryan. This starting to calm him down a little, but he was still determined that he was a bad boy and did not deserve any praise. So I did the only thing a mother can do, I held him and comforted him as best I could until he managed to calm down to the point where he could start telling me specific things that were bothering him.

Ryan has no confidence in himself, and this is something that has been building for a while now. He has difficulty making even the smallest decisions, he feels the need to ask permission to do even the most basic task, and even when he makes a choice he worries that it as the right one. I am still at a loss as to how this happened and how to fix it. That being said, I believe we may have taken a step in the right direction tonight. After we talked and Ryan calmed down I grabbed some index cards and a marker and wrote out some quick instructions for him for the mornings. This list will hopefully give him confidence in his morning routine, and will help him know that he is doing a good job. I also wrote out a quick affirmation for him to read every morning and taped it to the bathroom mirror. On three separate cards I wrote, "Everyone Makes Mistakes", "Mistakes are Okay", and "You are a Good Boy!" I told him that I wanted him to read these cards every morning. Reading these tonight with him already seemed to have a positive impact on his attitude. Hopefully over time he will remember these things in his heart and will not worry so much about making mistakes or not being a good boy.

No apologizing allowed

My boys are playing baseball this year and having a great time! They are not the best players on the team, but everyone has been incredibly supportive of them and I am so thankful for that. Watching them play, being regular little boys, and interacting with their teammates, has really gotten me thinking about this blog and what I would say to other parents with children struggling to be "normal", and this is it:

Do not hide from the world. Even if the world doesn't understand, who cares? When my boys do something a little odd and an adult looks at me with a questioning gaze, I just smile. I never, ever apologize for my boys. This is not to say that they should not learn to live in the world, but I believe the world should also try to meet them halfway.

My boys are incredibly special. They learned to read at almost the same time they learned to talk. They excel at school and can grasp concepts that are difficult for many much older than them. They are very sensitive to others' emotions and at times seem almost empathic. They were self-reliant in many ways well before their peers. However, they were and are well behind their peers in many other ways and it is this gap between the excellence and the delay that is the telltale sign.

Someone told me long ago to think of my children as being two years younger than they are and this has really helped me. When we are in a social situation where the other children are acting a certain way, but my boys are acting differently, I just think about how a 5-year-old would act rather than a 7-year-old and realize that they are fine and not to worry about them so much.

Every day I look at my boys and am in awe of how far we have come and I know that the day will come when they will be completely self-reliant and independent. But for now, I am cherishing every moment with my beautiful, perfect children and loving them just the way they are.

Step Three: Accountability

We all need it. Accountability is what keeps us moving forward and not stagnating in one place. For many having children is enough. After having children you are accountable to them for teaching them and providing them the appropriate life experiences. For others, perhaps a little more external influence is needed. Because of our circumstances, in the early years occasionally my husband and I would decide that it's just too much trouble to go to church on Sunday morning, or to a birthday party on Saturday afternoon, or to the school social on Monday night. We may have been justified in that decision, but we were also depriving our children of much needed life experiences. So, our solution to this was to start volunteering for things. My husband is the Sunday School Director at church, and I, until this year, was a Sunday School teacher. By volunteering for these positions we gained accountability. We no longer had the option of staying home when we just didn't feel like going. We were required to be there and no matter what, we were going! This is not necessarily the solution for everyone, but my main point is that your children need the exposure to the outside world, and even though it is difficult at times, you need to get them out in it. If you are like us and require a little extra help in motivating you to get out there, then be a volunteer and gain that external accountability.